Normally — when it happens in April! — I always say of the start of the baseball season and the hockey playoffs, “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” I know there are lots of sports fans out there who are thrilled to be watching again … but this year, I’m not so sure.

(If you haven’t seen it yet, check out this Toronto Life story about my Mom and baseball.)

Yes, I imagine I’ll be watching too (at least some of the Maple Leafs games and I’m already watching the Blue Jays — the Buffalo Wings?), but I’m still not convinced it’s a very good idea. Hockey and basketball at least seem theoretically safer in their “bubbles,” but all that travelling in baseball seems to be courting disaster. I hope not, and I hope everyone gets through this safely, but look at what’s already happening to the Miami Marlins.

But, thus endeth the sermon. Really, I’m just posting this today to have a little fun.

As some of you know (some of you who are my friends on Facebook), I’m working on a new book. It’s a history of the 1907 Stanley Cup champion Kenora Thistles for a writer/publisher friend in Kenora. Yes, it’s pretty old time hockey, but if you read it when it comes out in 2021 — and I hope you will — I think it’ll make a pretty compelling case that hockey was always as popular (and obsessive!) with its fans in its earliest days as it still is today.

But, not everything from the old days was the same!

Sportscasters these days seem to consider themselves pretty funny (or punny, anyway), but you don’t see a lot of satire like this anymore.

What follows below was written by someone named C.M. Kyle of Winnipeg on March 17, 1905 and printed in the Winnipeg Telegram three days later. For context, the Ottawa “Silver Seven” had just defeated the Rat Portage Thistles (Rat Portage would officially be renamed Kenora on May 11, 1905) in a rough, best-of-three challenge series. It was the third straight season that Ottawa was the Stanley Cup champion, but fans outside the Canadian capital were become increasingly unhappy with the team’s tough tactics.

The Silver Seven were the Broad Street Bullies (the Bank Street Bullies?) of their time. Their style of play could be downright scary. So, as one who’s not so much a fan of violence in hockey, I hereby present…

THE RAVEN (REVISED)

Once upon a midnight dreary,
   as the Ottawas, weak and weary
Pondered over three great cup games
   and from which they still felt sore;
Suddenly there came a tapping,
   as of some one gently rapping,
As of some one gently rapping,  
   rapping on their club-room door.
      Merely this and nothing more.

Seeing that it was not heeded,
   once again it was repeated,
Till at least it drew attention,
   some one opened wide the door.
Entered then a stately raven,
   plumage heavily snow-laden,
Who flapped his wings then took a perch
   above their club-room door,
      Saying sadly, “Never more.”

“What meanest thou” immediately
   arose the natural query,
“What brings thee here on this strange visit;
   ne’er heard of before?
With a sigh the raven turned,
   and pointing to their hockey colors,
Put his head beneath his wing,
   and whispered as he had before,
      Sadly, softly, “Never more.”

Dumb, astonished, scarcely breathing,
   wondering what could be the meaning,
Of those words so sadly uttered
   by the bird above the door;
Once again an explanation
   was demanded in vexation,
But the raven once again for
   loss of words, did as before,
      Mournfully saying “Never more.”

Losing patience, and at random
   these mysterious words to fathom,
For the last time asked the question
   of the bird above the door:
“Speak though coal-black imp of Satan,
    or by he who sent the chasing,
’Round the country with the message
   that shalt see the sun no more,
      What mean these words, ‘Never more?’”

Seeing there was no evading
   expectations now, the raven
Gazed bitingly upon the players
   crowded ‘round the door,
And with grace and style enthralling,
   but vehemence most appalling,
Said, “If you guys would play hockey
   you’d be champions no more.”
      Merely this, and nothing more.

Smarting from the raven’s satire,
   but determined yet to know more,
From their strange yet noble visitor
   who spoke in terms so sure,
Said “Pray tell us noble raven,
   ere departing for they haven,
What makes thee think our Ottawas
   will ne’er be champions more?
      Why use these words, ‘Never more?’”

As if answering their query
   that strange raven from his eyrie,
Said in tones so deep and solemn,
   they cut right to the core,
“If you people would play hockey,
   you would not now be so cocky,
For the first team you ran up against
   would bang in twice the score.
      Then you’d ne’er by champions more.”

(MORAL)

Ottawa has got some players,
    but they’ve got a few man-slayers
On their team who think it noble,
   their check’s face to cut and scar.
And until they are removed,
   or until Father Time removes them,
Ottawa will hold the Stanley Cup
   as they have done before,
      But by hockey? — NEVER MORE!

And, hey, it that doesn’t do it for you, you can always check out The Simpsons version…